am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
