You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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