I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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