if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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