these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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