Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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