let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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