I just made out with a guy for $7.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I had to cum in my sink.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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