Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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