i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
