My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
