i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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