literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
