I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
