I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
