Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize