I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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