Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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