This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
