Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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