I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
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