I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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