party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
