Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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