i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
