Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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