God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
