Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
