I think my fart just growled at me.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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