We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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