I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
