when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
