I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
