the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
this is an emotional support booty call
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
