I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
