When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize