they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize