I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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