i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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