im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
