my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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