did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
