My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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