So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
