Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
All I want is dick and wine.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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