Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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