Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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