cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I will be naked everywhere
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
