rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
