Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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