Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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