I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
