remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize