Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
