Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
