There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
