im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Actions speak louder than pants.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
