How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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