I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
