guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm having to shit out rocks
You did what with his pubic hair?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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