Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
