yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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