walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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