I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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