Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
