Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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