then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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