My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
