What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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