dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
